This is a view of the 2012 Fiat 500 from earlier today.  Just when I thought the Smart Car, made by the French and Germans, was going to die a quick and painless death, the Italians had to go and try to one-up them.  Damn Europeans.  Merde! (that means “shit” in French; in Italian, it’s “merda”.  Grazie mille, Google Translate).

Hard financial times have fallen upon us Americans over the last few years.  No longer can we justify taking out a high-interest rate loan for a car that’s the equivalent of a 1975 Lincoln Continental.  Instead we decide to spent hard-earned money on one of these sardine cans, not because they’re safe or even look good, but because they get 55 miles to the gallon.  Booooooring.

The old Lincoln Continental brings back some fond memories.  Not that my family had one.  There was no Lincoln for us.  We had an old AMC Rambler and a 1970 Dodge station wagon (I think.  It looked something like this), as well as many other vehicles over the years.

The Lincoln was always a car I thought was the height of luxury and prestige, even at a young age.  When I was just a little tyke growing up in Lindenhurst, NY in the late 1970s, I had a neighbor who had one of these road yachts in a sexy burgundy with white leather interior.  It was a gorgeous car.  When I was in 1st grade, I used to walk by it on my way home from the bus stop.  It looked like a dream boat, regardless of the fact that it only got about 50 feet to the gallon.  I’d admire the car, gaze in amazement at its 20-foot length, and dream of someday being able to use, not only its power locks, but its power windows as well.  I would then proceed to piss on my neighbor’s honeysuckle bushes until my Mom caught me one day.  True story.  I had a thing at that age, but looking back, I think I was subconsciously trying to mark my territory.

The Fiat 500, shown above, looks to be bigger than a Smart Car, but smaller than a Mini Cooper.  It doesn’t quite throw you for a loop when you see it as much as the Smart Car does, but it’s still a tiny piece of machinery.  I’m not going to buy any of these tiny automobiles.  I’m waiting until India is allowed to sell us something even smaller than the Smart Car.  It’s called the Tata Nano.  Once they’re allowed to import them to the U.S., I’ll get me a couple of Tatas and a nice Hummer and I’ll be all set.

In full disclosure, I took this picture while driving my 2008 Toyota Prius that gets 42 miles to the gallon.  I’m secure in my manhood.  Wanna fight about it?