This is a view of the earthquake button in the elevator of the hotel I stayed at in San Diego this week. This time I am not concentrating my focus on the fireman’s helmet button on the right. No, I’m focusing my laser beam right on the “Earthquake” button.
We don’t have these buttons in elevators in New York, Connecticut, or anywhere else in the East Coast that I’m aware of. We also don’t have palm trees, surfing, VW buses, sunshine without humidity, and the largest percentage of silicon draped off the chests of bleach-blonde 42-year-old women going on 21. We could benefit from more of all of these, though, especially the latter.
What does this button even do? I don’t want to look it up because there’s probably a logical explanation for it. I’d rather make some assumptions, because it’s more fun. I’ll go ahead and assume that one cannot cause an earthquake simply by pressing this button. That would be an awkward place to put a button that wields that type of power. You’d want to put a button that can cause an earthquake on the dashboard of the luxury yacht of a super villain, like Ernst Stavro Blofeld from the James Bond films (I’m thinking of Blofeld as played by Telly Savalas from On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, which is the most controversial Bond movie. Sure, it starred George Lazenby as Bond for the only time, but picture Sean Connery in that movie and it’s instantly one of the 3 best Bond films of all time). An earthquake button on a yacht would keep you from any effects of the earthquake and, even if you inadvertently cause a tsunami, you could just press the button “Sub”, which is next to the “Earthquake” button, that will convert the yacht into a submarine and save your dinghy from any water damage.
Does this button blink when it senses an earthquake so you can hold the fuck on when the elevator inevitably drops like a boulder? Do you have to hit the button when it’s flashing so when you do fall, airbags will shoot out of the walls, floor, and ceiling to cushion your landing?
Do you press this button when you sense an earthquake happening so you can manually open the doors and climb down the elevator shaft instead of sitting in a metal death box with some chatty broad who is attending a cosmetology seminar, who won’t shut the fuck up about the increase in the number of men using foundation, and who insists on you taking free samples of her new exfoliating sponge that she just happens to have on her person? In that situation, go ahead and press the button, seismic anomaly or otherwise.
Climbing down the elevator shaft would be cool. You could go adventuring like John McClain in the Nakatomi building in Die Hard, but instead of saving the people in the building by killing Hans Gruber without the benefit of shoes, you could save your eardrums and your skin’s natural ability to regenerate itself by getting as far away from her as possible. Let her test the airbags in the elevator.
Then again, maybe this button is used to alert the authorities that you’re stuck in an elevator in the aftermath of an earthquake and to come get you the hell out. Boring, yes. Useful, yeah. Sexy and exciting, nah. Oh wait…maybe this button is used to summons Earthquake, the former WWE wrestler!!! Now we’re talking. I should have pressed the button while I had the chance.
Completely separate question for all the men…how is it possible to get one, and only one, pubic hair on top of a public urinal that it 5 feet high? Yao Ming’s crotch isn’t even that high, yet somehow someone has managed to dislodge a single black pube and delicately place it on the top of the urinal for all to see. Who does this? Either there’s a secret, rarely seen, group of giants with loose, black pubic hair who inadvertently drop one on the urinal in public bathrooms or else someone is sadistically plucking one out while doing their business and displaying it for all to see when they pee. What’s going on here, fellas?
Categories: Seed Views