I was liberated today, or, what is it called when you chew off your own umbilical cord? Birth? Dogs and other animals chew off their own umbilical cords. Now, I cannot imagine doing that. As a matter of fact, I nearly passed out and cut my daughters big toe off when attempting to cut her umbilical cord at that magical moment. Why on earth do doctors make us first-time dads do that kind of stuff? Jesus! Second and third kids were born on lovely Saturdays and I was nowhere near those damned umbilical cords. Don’t get me started on the whole birthing process either. I have successfully avoided the nasty umbilical cords for almost 10 years until today.
My contractions started kicking in about 10 months ago and got so severe this morning that the doctor ordered an immediate caesarean section. With surgical precision, and some help from “e-How”, I successful birthed myself from digital pregnancy (or captivity). A five-year pregnancy filled with viruses, crashes, lost hours/weeks/months, and worst of all, people that I don’t really like, is now over. Those damned invitations. By the way Facebook is a pain to kill, that Zuckerberg is real fuckerberg. Twitter was pretty easy to kill, tweet. I don’t know what to do about these digital stretch marks, if anyone has a suggestion just write it on my wall…uhhhh.
Facebook and Twitter have been dominating our digital time lately. With company valuations in the billions how can they not. Through Facebook and Twitter, we communicate better, re-connect with lost friends, stay in touch with loved ones far away, share (sometimes inappropriate) photos with our groups, and get to tell everyone our status or how we feel this very minute. What am I doing right now? This became very weird for me when Cappy and I joined Twitter and 10 minutes later I got a tweet that “cappy is masturbating”. What made this peculiar was that it was 9:30 in the morning on a Tuesday. And, I just left a meeting that he was in. Am I supposed to compose tweets about everything? Poops, pee-pees, bar visits, opinions, people I dislike or like, what the “man-girl” was wearing at McDonald’s while making me a wild berry smoothie? I really only followed Peter North and he is a pretty boring dude. “I just ordered a Venti Java Chip with no whip, and the straw broke, sad face!”
I’m not anti-social, I’m just anti-social media. Except for airplanes, I cannot stand talking to people on flights. I once flew from Tel Aviv to Newark and did not say a single word. I don’t speak Hebrew, but that’s not the point. I don’t want people to know me without having to get to know me. You want in my shorts, pick up the phone or write me a note. Hell, maybe even meet me for a beer somewhere.