This is a view of the contents of my neighbor’s recycling bin this morning.  Friday is garbage day in the village of Windsor, NY.  Someone’s packing some serious heat up in here.

I’ll refrain from saying whether or not I have any guns in my house, in case there are a bunch of thieves and criminals reading my blog.  I hear it’s popular with the local hoodlums.  But if they are, know that I have a guy living 2 doors down from me who would love nothing more than to get in a little target practice, bitches.

My initial question is why would someone need a cabinet to hold 14 guns?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m cool with the right to bear arms.  It’s not my favorite amendment in the Constitution, but it is an amendment nonetheless.  I’m clearly a fan of free speech, so I can’t bitch about the right to bear arms.  I always laugh when I hear people who complain about guns say that the founding fathers never envisioned an AK-47 on the streets of America when they came up with the right to bear arms.  But I’m also pretty sure that when the founding fathers came up with freedom of speech, they didn’t envision shows like Jackass, musical groups like the Insane Clown Posse, and thousands of porn websites dedicated solely to girls shitting on guys chests.  Or even worse, guys writing blogs about the existence of websites dedicated solely to girls shitting on guys chests.  So, really, me questioning why my neighbor needs to carry 14 guns is irrelevant, right?

The more I think about this, the more I actually like the idea of just putting the box out on the street.  It’s like the biggest, bad-ass “Beware of Dog” or “No Trespassing” sign you could ever have.  And it’s real subtle.  Does anyone really give a shit about a “No Trespassing” sign anymore?  That sign lost its potency a long time ago.  Anyone can go to their local hardware store and pick up a sign for $1.99.  It means nothing.  But if you take the time to buy a 14-gun heavy gauge security cabinet and put that box out in front of your house, the neighborhood is going to think you’re ex- Force Recon or a retired Navy SEAL.  No one will fuck with you.  Ever.

If I were so inclined to buy myself a cabinet, I’d put the box right on my front porch and just leave it there.  No one will take it.  They’ll be too afraid.  The subtlety of the message is the best part.  Nowhere on the box does it say “Get the hell off my lawn”, but the implication is bold and underlined. Don’t mess around or I’ll shoot first and ask questions later. Subtlety is good.

It’s like a hot woman in a business suit.  Yes, she’s wearing a classy business suit to the meeting, but something about that look behind the glasses tells you that, like the female praying mantis, she’ll bite your fucking head off.  The box, like the business suit, just barely conceals the fury within.  It’s my fantasy, so just indulge me.

I took a quick minute and Googled “gun cabinets”.  I found a residential cabinet that holds 45 guns for $2,700.  I’m calling first thing Monday to see how much they charge for just the box.