Seed Views

Behold The Power of the Dark Roast: Seed View for September 16th, 2011

This is a view of the open lid of my 12-cup coffee maker, a.k.a Darth Venti from the planet Starbucks.  He is evil to the core and has seduced me with his magnificent powers.  I am virtually powerless to his teachings and his mastery of the Dark Roast.  As I prepared my morning coffee, I heard this in the distance and then Darth Venti spoke to me…

“You don’t know the power of the Dark Roast,” said Darth Venti.

“True”, I admitted, “but give me a chance to prove myself.  Let me get the coffee going.”

“I find your lack of coffee grinds disturbing.”

“Damn, Darth.  Anymore coffee and your blood pressure will shoot through the roof, but you’re the Dark Lord, so I’ll obey my master and load in a couple more scoops.  I can’t find any bottled water, Darth.  Is tap water OK?”

“Tap water does not concern me. I want that coffee, not excuses.”

“Uh, you may want coffee, but do you really need coffee?  Judging by your general lack of patience, your trust issues, and your violent tendencies, I’d think that maybe a nice cup of tea would be better for you.  What do you say big guy?  How about a freshly steeped cup of Darjeeling tea?”

“The ability to steep a tea bag is insignificant to next power of roasting a coffee bean.”

“Apparently, I’m not going to turn you around on this one.  Suit yourself, you tweaking bastard.  I hope this shit is so strong that you blow an eyeball out of that dick-shaped helmet.”

“I hope so for your sake.  The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am.”

“Not sure what that has to do with your eyeball, but OK.  The Emperor’s a big coffee drinker too, huh?  If giving in to the Dark Roast means I have to resemble a two-week-old corpse like you guys, I may want to reconsider this whole thing.  Anyway, how’s it smell so far?”

“Impressive, most impressive. The force is with you young Seed, but you are not a barista yet.”

“Don’t want to build me up too much yet, I get it.  The proof is in the first sip, I respect that.  Well, here you go.  The first cup, give it a taste and tell me what you think.”

“I sense something, a presence I have not tasted since…”

“Since…since what?  Since the days when your mother used to make breakfast for you?  Since the days of racing pods on Tatooine?  Since the taste of your one true love, Queen Amidala?  Since what?  Tell me!!!  There’s good in you, I can feel it.  It’s OK, we’re in a safe place here…”

“The roast is strong with this one.”

“Ignore me if you must.  You just can’t let go of your hate, can you?  Fine, be like that, you psycho.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that you like my coffee, but I thought we were on the verge of having a moment.  I thought, maybe you were having a breakthrough.  Didn’t you feel it?”

“Today will be a day long remembered. It has seen the death of instant coffee, and soon the fall of decaffeinated coffee.”

“You’re fucking nuts, Darth Venti, you know that?  I’d love for you to drop that scalding hot coffee on your balls, but you’re wearing that black codpiece.  What are you protecting down there?  Your ass burnt to a crisp years ago.  You’re a eunuch.  Who are you trying to impress anyhow?  You and the Emperor can go to hell.  I’m going to sit and enjoy my coffee in peace.”

“Just for once, let me look at your face with my own eyes.”

“The moment’s gone, asshole.  I’m done.  Go jump in a garbage compactor, you nut-less whack job.”

1 reply »

  1. How do you know when someone needs a cup of joe? When they pretend the coffee maker is Darth Vader and have conversations with it.

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