Seed Views

Much Obliged, Irene: Seed View for August 29th, 2011

This is a view of the Route 17 eastbound parking lot earlier this morning near the Monroe exit.  This can only be blamed on one thing…a woman named Irene.

I head about this bitch all weekend and it seemed like she ruined a lot of people’s lives the past couple days.  Cancelled sporting events, wet weddings, poorly attended family reunions, flooded rivers, fallen trees.  She was just a major pain in the ass.  I think I can speak for all of us on the East Coast by saying, “Thanks Irene.  Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.”

Irene was a royal pain in the ass, but I remember a real bitch named Gloria back in 1985 who was worse.  She was an evil, evil woman, but she had a sick, twisted sense of humor.  Sure, she used a tree in my neighbor’s front yard to slice their house in half like a hot knife through butter, but she also knocked out a power transformer near the high school which kept us out of school for 5 days.  A nice parting gift for which I’m still grateful.

I did not have the pleasure of knowing Katrina, but legend has it, she was the most evil of all.  She showed no mercy while running roughshod over the Gulf Coast a few years ago.  She’s so hated down there that I don’t think another girl will be named Katrina any time in the foreseeable future.  It’s the same with Jewish people naming their son Adolf – it’s not going to happen.

Irene took my electricity yesterday morning and didn’t give it back until late this morning.  That shit is fun for about 2 hours and then it gets old quick.  Cool, we get to break out some candles and pretend we’re living in the 1800’s.  Woo hoo!!!  OK, let’s play cards because Irene’s outside.  That should kill about 30 minutes.  Now, let’s read!    Wow, that was fun, now let’s play a board game.  Awesome!!  Should we sit around and tell stories?  No?  Well, my laptop battery is dead so we can’t watch a movie.  And we have no access to Netflix.  There’s room temperature beer.  Hey kids, wanna play a drinking game?  OK, here’s how you play.  If it’s raining, you have to drink and you can’t stop until the rain stops.  It’s fun.  Ready…go!!!  It’s now 8:15 at night.  It’s dark outside.  I’ve just finished my 13th beer because it just now stopped raining.  I’ve peed so much that my urine is clear.  I’m bored out of my skull.  Fuck it, I’m going to bed.

I made the mistake of leaving first thing this morning to go to Connecticut thinking I could get there.  What a fool I was.  Irene wasn’t done with us yet.  This line of traffic was miles long.  There was no end to it as far as I could tell.  It was ridiculous.  I finally called my boss to see what was going on at work.  There was no one there.  No phone, no email server, I was wasting my goddamn time.  He told me to go back.  I gladly obliged.  Just look at the traffic going in the other direction.  I got the hell out of Dodge and headed back home.  Thanks for nothing, Irene.

What do you call a woman with one short leg?—Eileen.  What if she’s from Japan?—Irene.  I’m so sorry.  That’s an awful joke, but I’ve been thinking about it all weekend.  I think about it every time I hear the name Irene.  I should be ashamed of myself.

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