This is a view of a fire hydrant I saw at lunchtime today somewhere in Stamford, CT.  Part of me doesn’t want to say where I saw this so I don’t rat anyone out, but another part of me feels like I should be a good citizen and make people aware of this monument to laziness to possibly avoid a loss of life or property.

I feel like a crotchety old man, or possibly Fire Marshall Bill, lately.  This is the second instance in the past few weeks where I’ve inadvertently noticed a ridiculously obvious “who gives a shit about people’s safety” violation of common sense.  First, it was the cigarette butt strategically placed on the fireman’s communication jack and now this.  Am I just hyper-sensitive to this stuff or am I onto something here?  I’m not upset so much as I’m greatly amused.

I’ll disregard the safety issue for a fire crew to access the hydrant.  That’s not Seed-worthy enough for me.  It’s more the incredible amount of laziness around the hydrant that makes me titter gleefully.  And there is nothing better than tittering gleefully.  Not laughing, not giggling, not guffawing, not even tee-heeing.  A good gleeful titter is the cat’s ass.

Here is a fire hydrant.  Next to the fire hydrant are a bunch of weeds.  OK, citizens of Earth, let’s not take 30 seconds to chop down the weeds and spray a little Round Up on the roots.  Oh no no no.  Instead, let’s just let those weeds sprout like redwoods and choke out any access to the fire hydrant.  In fact, we are so opposed to taking out the weeds that we’ve actually taken the time to put up an orange safety marker so people know where the fire hydrant is amidst the forest!

The orange safety marker is the pièce de résistance.  Instead of just removing the weeds, it probably took three city workers, who are getting paid $25 an hour, at least 30 minutes to stake that marker in the asphalt.

I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to being lazy, but I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it because I use common sense.  Being effectively lazy is all about maximizing your time early to ultimately do what you want, even if that means doing nothing.  I’m always amazed when I see something like this, or like an empty roll of toilet paper on the holder that then has a full roll on top of it because someone can’t take the 10 seconds to discard the old roll and fucking replace it with a new one (this is a purely hypothetical example…).  Why, you ask?  Because all it takes is a couple moments of work early on to save those precious minutes and hours later to be lazy the right way.

So there’s your advice for the day, people.  Cut the damn weeds growing around your “fire hydrant” in life before you have to have some city workers, who all worship at the altar of Keith Stone eight nights a week, overcharge you to put in an orange safety marker as they creepily stare at your wife and kids.  Be lazy, but be efficient about it.  And give your dogs clear access to the hydrant so they don’t shit on your new rug.  You’re welcome, citizens of Earth.